MORNING MED MADNESS

Man taking pills

I thought I’d share with you a new theory I developed this morning as I sat miserably in my thinking chair out on the back porch. I said “miserably” because that’s how I felt. I had a bout of heartburn, then this awful nausea started churning things up in my stomach…that’s why I sat down. I was afraid I might lose it, y’know, maybe throw up. I rarely throw up. Honest, I rarely do. In fact it was several years into our marriage when Rosemarie, for the first time, witnessed me bent over the toilet heaving a few times and finally emptying whatever it was that was playing havoc in my stomach. Did I get any gentle, caring sympathy from my young wife? Nooooo. Instead, she showed wonderment and awe. “Wow!” she said, “After all these years I have never seen you throw up. How amazing!” Yeah, that’s what she said…well, maybe close to it. I don’t remember her exact words, but she thought my heave-ho was worthy of a high score for form and volume, plus I stuck the landing right there in the center of the bowl.  Okay, back to this morning….

So being the health care professional that she is—oh, have I ever mentioned my wife is an RN in real life? Anyway, Rosemarie tells me to eat some plain bread and that should help my nausea. She also suggested I eat some white rice, but I wasn’t about to haul out Uncle Ben for breakfast. And, for sure, Rosemarie was not about to attempt cooking rice. That would involve turning on the stove and her doing that is almost as rare as my throwing up. She did, however offer another suggestion and that was to drink some cola. That did help, I have to admit, and my stomach started to settle down.

I’ve had this issue of nausea in the morning before, but never as severely as I did today. Now, I know some of you with a warped sense of humor are thinking morning sickness. Well, so did I, but I figured my talents don’t extend that far. But, then I got to thinking, still sitting in my thinking chair, that maybe it’s all these pills I take in the morning. There’s a good pile of them, a dozen or more, all of them nestled in their little chambers in one of those pill boxes with each day of the week labeled on the lids. I have a weekly box for both morning and evening and I dutifully fill them up with all the different pills I have to take. The evening collection isn’t too bad, but the number of pills I swallow in the morning is ridiculous. What’s more, I think it’s the cause of my nausea. Here’s my expert medical theory I’ve been working on…

It’s early morning and my stomach is more empty that at any other time of the day. Suddenly, without warning this mother load of medicinal concoctions comes tumbling down the shaft and within moments it starts to dissolve and mutate and all the components begin searching out ways to get into my blood stream. Now I have a hunch there is a traffic director propped up on one of the many fat rolls I have in the area and it’s his job to direct all these substances so they get to where they’re supposed to get. He has to send the blood pressure pills into my arteries and heart, each little molecule holding its sign that says “relax” or “calm down” or “hey, cool it” …stuff like that.

Next, this traffic guy has to show these other pills where all the arthritis is and off they go in an attempt to stop the erosion of bone matter and put some ice on those inflamed areas. Of course, there’s a cholesterol pill, too.  Every guy my age has one of them.  The traffic director arms this big oval thug with a roto-rooter and shoves him rooter first into the closest artery.

Meanwhile, there are other pipes that need to be opened wider too. There are two pills for that job and the traffic director points south and off they go so I can go.  Then there are some temporary pills hanging out in the guest room. They’re the scouts who go everywhere throughout the system ensuring the terrible infection that hospitalized me last fall isn’t still lurking somewhere like under some organ or inside a joint. These pills are slated to pack up and leave next month so that will at least be two less I have to take.. There are another two or three for various other assignments, plus a few vitamins for grins…but you get the idea.

I think all this morning chaos–call it my abdominal rushhour—that goes on in my stomach is too much for it to handle. So sometimes the traffic director gives up and the pills all begin to act out and gel together and the next thing you know, the nausea starts.

So that’s my theory. I am thinking about splitting up my morning pile of meds into two groups and taking them an hour or so apart—just so they’re not all going down at one time. That way I may avoid the upset stomach. WaddaUthink? Of course, there’s probably a pill I could take for this problem….oh wait…come to think of it I already do.

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About Marc Kuhn

I am a retired radio exec. I've worked at major stations in Philadelphia, Washington, D.C. and Miami. That was then. This is now: I've published seven books and this blog thingy. Need to know more? Really? Okay, I bare/bear all at http://marckuhn.com The other links are for the websites of each of the books I've written. I've been busy! Hope you'll stop by and check them out. Thanks for your interest!
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3 Responses to MORNING MED MADNESS

  1. That would be helpful if I could see anything smaller than the first “E” on the eye chart. I wish I could still see like I did when I flew sailplanes and qualified as “Master” on the pistol range. Alas, age has not been kind and vision is sub-contracted out to The Child Bride. More than one cashier has given me that “I feel sorry for your ignorance” look when the little box where you put your debit card asks a question and I turn to the Bride and say, “I can’t read this, what does it say?” Age induced visual illiteracy.

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  2. Marc Kuhn says:

    Mike Fuller Author: You probably know this…but usually there is some kind of ID on the pill–a letter or number–and you do a google search for a pill with “?” on it and google will usually take you there…that is if you can read the small print on the pill…but the beach house is important.

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  3. Of the many, many prescriptions assigned to keep alive my aging body, I have three different pills that look alike. Small white round pills that don’t seem to be big enough to cure/stem anything bigger than an occasional sneeze. But they have a way of slipping out of my hand and landing on the white tile of the bathroom floor. Usually I don’t notice (my hands don’t work right anymore) until a day or two later and spot one. Not knowing which potion it represents, I toss it down the toilet and move on. Makes me wonder just how important they could be. But if I stop taking them will I be harming myself or causing the drug company CEO to miss a payment on his beach house?

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