I have decided it is time to write a letter to my next self. Let me hasten to say that I do not believe in reincarnation one way or the other, but I do always like to be prepared. So, in the event I have the opportunity to do this thing all over again sometime in the future, I thought it would make a lot of sense if I wrote myself a letter with some tips. You know, some basic advice as to how to go about it the next time around and avoid some of the annoyances and search out the better things. Makes sense doesn’t it? Wouldn’t you like to have some directions next time? So, here goes…my random list to my next self.
- Try hard to get a mother who gently wakes you in the morning and then prolong that routine as long as possible, even to after you’re married if you have to. There is nothing worse in life than something called an alarm clock. If gentle mom will stick around, that’s the better way to go. Delay owning an alarm clock for as long as possible. In fact, if you can persuade your mother to bring you a fresh cup of coffee when she comes in to wake you, that is what’s known as going first class.
- If you must purchase an alarm clock, NEVER NEVER NEVER get one with a loud buzzing or shrill beeping alarm. Instead, buy a clock with as gentle-sounding alarm as possible, preferably one that chimes or plays a quiet little melody. I bought my daughter just such a clock that played a very peaceful version of “Here Comes The Sun” and it was the nicest alarm clock I ever found…if there is such a thing as a “nice” alarm clock.
- Try to be born into a family that lives in a warm to moderate climate zone. Avoid cold areas altogether. Cold is not in your genetic makeup. If you have a childish need to play in snow, convince your parents to take winter skiing vacations. Trust me, not owning a snow shovel or a hat with those flappy ear thingies will not be a loss.
- If you have a sibling, attempt to influence your parents to have one that is within two years of your birth. If a sibling is close to your age you may get along better and actually be good playmates who share the same interest and friends. If the sibling is the opposite sex, you may not spend as much time together doing things, but when the teen age years come the sibling will be a good source for exposing you to members of the opposite sex. Having a sister is especially exciting because there are usually lots of your sister’s friends coming to the house. Make sure you act the cute cuddly younger brother or the hot, good-lookin’ older one, whichever applies. Be adorable and likeable and not the dorky brother…it could pay off big time.
- Unless your mother is really cool, always try to go clothes shopping with your father. He will usually let you pick the clothes you want and you will probably be able to get a few extra things that your mother will always say they can’t afford. In fact, avoid shopping with your mother as much as possible.
- You will probably have to take algebra in high school. Unless this time some alien math gene has surfaced in you, avoid algebra at all cost. You likely will not pass it or need an expensive tutor. The teacher will tell you over and over that it is critical and you will use algebra throughout the rest of your life. Don’t believe it. It’s a bunch of crap. You will never use algebra again. Spend the time learning Spanish or html.
- If you are born an American again, understand that balls are one of the ultimate tools of success. Wait, let me clarify that…Theses Balls: a baseball, a basketball and a football. Make sure you always own one or more of these and practice with them often. The better you can catch, throw, or get the ball through the hoop, the easier it is to make friends, the more valuable you are when a team is being chosen, and when you get older, girls will admire you more. If you still don’t have enough athletic skills to master these three balls, then you better be really skillful at something else, like playing the drums, skateboarding or hacking computers.
- Learn well how to play an instrument at a young age. Keep practicing as you get older. Playing an instrument well will give you great self-satisfaction and gain you admiration and envy from others. In fact, if you are really good, join a rock band and befriend a really successful record producer. If you can sing, by all means exploit that and don’t be shy. It could be big bucks, opportunities to meet lots of young ladies and a secure future if you play your cards–and your instrument–right.
- I’ve got lots more advice for you so look for more lists…but there is one thing that’s very important that you must make sure you do and it’s this: have all the fun you want when you get interested in girls, but never never never give up trying to locate the new Rosemarie, whoever she’s turned out to be the next time around, assuming she’s still a girl and not a turtle or something. Make any sacrifice to woo and win her over. She must eventually be your wife again. You will absolutely find no better even if at first you think her breasts are a little smaller than you’d prefer.
— Wishing you good luck and lots of Chunky Monkey!
Me, Yourself and I
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