It is not fair that Christmas is upon us again…so soon! And, as I talk about Christmas here, I use the term collectively to represent the entire holiday season regardless of your beliefs and what you personally celebrate.
Let’s begin—and probably end—with time. Time appears to go by faster as you get older. I think there may be some truth to this concept. When I was a young child, there were three events that took FOREVER to arrive each year: my birthday, summer vacation and Christmas. Today, even though I know better, these three events seem to crash-bam back-to-back within a very short period of time. Why is this? It isn’t fair. It takes away all the waiting and anticipation and totally trashes the excitement.
Let’s take Christmas first: Is it a conspiracy? Yeah, maybe that’s it. Commercial America (i.e., Target, Toys R Us, Walmart, Macy’s, Best Buy and all the other big-store conglomerates), have banded together and manipulated the calendar so Christmas actually comes every six months, but we don’t realize it. To achieve this illusion, these plundering piggish profit-mongers mentioned above have been able to speed up the revolution of the earth and its orbit around the sun. Hence the days subtly slip by faster and the months topple one upon the other. We’re too busy running up our charge cards that we don’t realize this is actually happening. Think about what I am saying as you unpack and set up your holiday decorations this year. Didn’t you just pack them away? Yeah, you did! Wasn’t that long ago, was it? Probably about 6 months. More on Christmas, later.
Next, summer vacation. Now I ask you, is there any better day in life than the last day of school just before summer vacation? It’s the definition of euphoria. When we were young this day took eons to arrive each year. That first non-school, non-alarm clock, non-nagging-parent morning was one of the most anticipated days of the year. The fact that it took so long to arrive had a lot to do with how great it felt. Now, with the aforementioned conspirators speeding up the clock, the last day of school, too, seems to come around a little faster each year—not quite as fast a Christmas and certainly nowhere near as fast as the first day back to school in September.
And finally, we come to birthdays. These almost never arrive for the first 15-20 years of your life. Despite the efforts of the conspiring commercial criminals mentioned above, birthday frequency has more to do with age than with actual time. As you age, the time between birthdays quickens. Having just blown out 60 candles, it’s unnerving to watch your so-called friends wheel in yet another cake seemingly just a few months later, this one with ten more flames flickering. I think there is some sort of algebraic formula by which you can figure out how fast your birthday is coming, hence how quickly you’re aging. It’s probably something like e=mc2 – (a+b). I’ve got 70 coming up in a couple of years and, believe me, it can take its bloody good time getting here. But, like everything else, the annual birthday occurrence accelerates as the years pile on. This phenomenon may be influenced by another group of conspirators—the insurance insurgents. These guys lure you in at an early age with a lucrative life insurance policy whose premium grows along with your cholesterol level and then, just when you need it the most, they terminate the policy. You’re left with a pine box instead of that luxurious mahogany one you had your heart set on. Not your fault–you simply ran out of time to worry about it before that final big event in your life came sooner than you expected…and wanted. But not to worry, this event won’t be reoccurring like all the others.
I want to get back to Christmas before I finish
up here. It’s really the crux of the entire point I’m trying to make. When I’m President, Christmas will be allowed only every three years. The commercial co-conspirators will not like this idea. Kids won’t like it either, but they’ll get used to it after it becomes routine. Meanwhile, I think the idea has merit for the rest of us. First, just think how much more exciting it will be if Christmas comes only every three years. We’ll have a little more time to plan for it and save for it, too. We’d also be relieved from hearing Gene Autry singing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and having that melody embedded into our brain clear through January each year. And, and this is a big “and”…we wouldn’t have to sit though the Christmas Story marathon on TV as often. See, there are lots of advantages to making Christmas an every-third-year event. Vote for me on election day…which will be here before you know it!