My body has been waking up early these days…around 4:30am like clockwork. No matter how hard I try to roll over and go back to sleep it just doesn’t happen. It’s too early to start doing anything. I’m prone to being noisy even if I’m just walking. It’s a strange predicament. I want to get up and get going, but I pretty much have to stay put. Then the mind games start. Thoughts–random, rambling, ridiculous thoughts–begin passing through my mind. It’s as if they are all lined up each morning, waiting for me to give them a moment’s time. And, indeed, that’s about all they get before I move on to the next. Here’s a typical session…
It is early in the morning, too soon to get the day started.
Others are still asleep; must keep my movements guarded.
Still a little too groggy to read or write; little to do but ponder.
My mind slowly drifts as among many thoughts I wander.
What a waste of all this valuable time I think to myself.
Maybe I should straighten my closet, clean that shelf.
That would make too much noise. The rug is worn.
If I go to the supermarket I have to remember corn.
Did I pay that bill? Need stamps. Nothing’s on TV.
What ‘s the weather today? It’s still too dark to see.
I should change the oil in the car; it’s way overdue.
Wonder if I could fix the ice maker. I haven’t a clue.
I could get up; check my mail on the computer I guess.
Now’s a good time to purge my inbox; it’s such a mess.
Need to call my brother today; see how he’s feeling.
Check that spot over the garage where the paint is peeling.
That reminds me I have to clean up that broken glass.
Should have done that already; just can’t get off my ass.
Well good morning, cat. Yeah, I know, you want to get fed.
Give me a few more minutes. I’m just getting out of bed.
If I had kept up my guitar lessons I’d be playing by now.
It’s hard to believe I got that thing in 1975. Wow!
There just isn’t enough time. I need to get more done.
Always too many chores stacking up. Not enough fun.
Is beige the right color? We need a loaf of bread.
Maybe I’ll get up and take my pills; clear my head.
Rosemarie wants to move to Hawaii. It’s so far.
It’s getting lighter outside. I wonder why we are?
Things have been busy over at my satellite desk. As usual, there are a good baker’s dozen items from my correspondents around the world…all exclusive, of course. In fact, I’m sure none of these items have showed up on any other news desk. Remember where you read it first!
1) At a press conference in Yankee Stadium, Yogi Berra was asked what he thought of a new biography written about him. Yogi answered: “I don’t know. I’ve only heard it on tape.”
2) In an issue of Stuck in the Ruff, a Golfing Periodical, Tiger Woods was asked: “What’s your second favorite sport?” His instant response: “That’s an easy one. Women’s Skiing.” (Tiger and Women’s Skier, Lindsey Vonn, are dating.)
3) A groundskeeper at Balmoral Castle found An English Farmer’s Almanac dated 1947 in the basement. Among its contents was this prophetic information: 1) Parents = William and Kate; child = George; DOB = 7/22/13. 2) Parents = William and Kate; Child = Agnes; DOB = 7/22/15.
4) In an issue of Hollywood Undercover, an announcement proclaimed Ang Lee’s next film will be: “The Further Adventures of Richard Parker.”
5) In the latest issue of Wild Pitches, an underground baseball magazine, Alex Rodriguez was asked: “What is your least favorite dessert?” His reply: “Humble Pie, Bud Selig’s recipe.”
6) A reporter’s column in a local newspaper accused a MLB player of using HGH. The unknown player replied: “Not me! I don’t even use deodorant. Ask my wife.”
7) An NFL player (6’9″, 370 lbs) accused of using HGH said to a reporter: “Not me! I’ve always been big. In ninth grade, I was 6′ 2”, 230 lbs. Then I began using my “big boy” vitamins.”
8) At a press conference taking place in Lake Como (Italy), an assistant Press Agent for George Clooney was asked: “Will Mr. Clooney’s next film be a remake of “The Elephant Man?” His response: “I cannot comment directly, but I can say in Mr. Clooney’s next film, he will perform with unique make-up.”
9) In an “off the record” interview, this question for Senator Mitch McConnell: “Do you think U. S. troops should be kept in Afghanistan beyond 2014?” brought this response: “Whatever Obama wants, I’m against it.”
10) In a “walk and talk” interview, two reporters overheard this Q and A with Senator Chuck Schumer: “What was your reply to the question: “How would you describe Vladimir Putin? Did you say: a) He should be a candidate for the Nobel Peace prize, b) He could be a winner on “Roller Derby for the Stars”, c) He’s a schoolyard Bully?”
11) In a press conference in Athens, Ohio, brothers and Pro Football Head coaches, John and Jim Harbaugh were asked: “Are you looking forward to starting another football season?” A) “We’re still awaiting the end of the baseball season.” Q = “Really?” A = “Oh, wait. I thought you said Foosball season. We’re totally focused on pre-season football. Everybody looks great But we’re taking it one game at a time. I don’t like to look too far ahead.”
12) In “Hardwood,” a basketball underground magazine, an NBA rookie was quoted as saying: “I never got money for a car or throwing a game, but how do you think I got the suit and earrings for Draft Day?”
13) A columnist from Baltimore asked Bud Selig: “Playoff spots are yet to be decided. How do you like this excitement?” A = “I love it! I’m thinking of adding four more wild card teams to the playoffs.” Q = “Really?” A = “Sure! Imagine how much more money we’ll make.” Q = “Don’t you mean how exciting four more teams will make the playoffs?” A = “Oh, yeah. That, too.”
Books by Marc Kuhn. Information at http://www.marckuhn.com
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