My one granddaughter, Haley, lives with us temporarily from time to time. When she does, it is a pleasant experience watching the bonding process between the generations. Below are some true-life examples. I play the role of Grandfather…Haley plays the Granddaughter.
Granddaughter Says: These are perfect, they fit just right.
Granddaugher Thinks: If I don’t get these jeans and you make me buy anything else I will be laughed at and mocked all day at school on Monday. Everyone will be looking right at my pants and wondering why I am wearing hand-me-downs from my overweight sister. I have to have this pair and nothing else. And if you think I won’t make a scene right here in the store, think again!
Grandfather Says: They look really really tight; aren’t they uncomfortable?
Grandfather Thinks: Holy crap, they look about three sizes too small for you. You’ve grown a bit in the butt and these make you look like the back end of a hippo. Plus, they are so tight I am not even sure you will be able to take them off in the dressing room and we’ll have to call in six sales clerks to pull them off you. And, oh yeah, there is no way I’m going to spend $40 on that pair of pants.
Granddaughter Says: I like lots of things, especially steak.
Granddaughter Thinks: I expect steak for dinner almost every night. I won’t eat fish, period. I do not like onions or tomatoes and if you try to hide them inside stuff like meatloaf or stuffed chicken breast, I will pick right up on it and not be able to eat the meatloaf or chicken. String beans, baked beans, and eggs are disgusting and I won’t eat them. So, where’s the A-1 sauce?
Grandfather Says: I hope you like what I made for dinner.
Grandfather Thinks: This is getting old real fast. You are more finicky than the cat. No matter what I make, you examine it as if you are doing an autopsy. I can’t believe the number of things you won’t eat, except for junk. You can’t rely on chicken ceasar wraps for the rest of your life yuh know!
ON PERSONAL CARE…
Granddaughter Says: I am totally about cleanliness and pleasing appearance, especially my hair and makeup. I take pride in how I look and will apply only the best soaps, lotions and makeup to my body.
Granddaughter Thinks: I wish I had about $400 a week just to spend on makeup. I’d have no problem spending it all. Then I could sit in front of the mirror primping myself for hours and hours and not even get tired. Hmm, what do you think of this shade of puke green?
Grandfather Says: Oh, that looks, ah, nice. I didn’t realize you were going to a Halloween party in June. My bad.
Granddfather Thinks: Holy crap, do you realize how much hair you leave in the bathtub and now the drain is thoroughly clogged up again. And, how many times do I have to ask you to rinse the tub bottom thoroughly after you are through pouring 3 quarts of conditioner on your hair. Do you know how slippery that stuff is on the tub bottom? Can you say “cracked skull?” And what are all those stains on your bedspread…makeup! Can’t you find something else to rub your face on after you apply all that gook? And, do you realize your eyes have big black circles around them and there’s bright purple stuff on your eyelids and sparkle stuff in your nostrils! And why do you need seven piercings in your ear?
ON HER ROOM…
Granddaughter Says: It is a pleasure not to have to share a room with one of my little sisters. How great is this to have my own room, wow!
Granddaughter Thinks: Respect for property? What’s that? They didn’t teach us that in school yet.
Grandfather Says: We’re lucky to have this guest room that we just refinished. And look at that expensive queen bed and the window treatment and the snazzy mirror and wall pictures—all brand new.
Grandfather Thinks: What the hell—did a tornado rip though here? What the hell are all these clothes on the floor, hanging from the ceiling fan and draped over the TV? My newly painted walls—yikes, how did you fasten all these One Direction posters all over the room. I can’t even see the walls anymore. What? You stapled them into the wall!!!!! Holy crap, did you eat or drink something deep maroon up here? Whatever it was, do you realize it stained the rug in four places? And did you see all those hangers in your closet—the closet with all the empty hangers and with all the clothes jumbled up on the floor so you can’t close the closet door? And why don’t the blinds go up and down anymore? And did you know you have half of sandwich wedged between your mattress and box spring…and it has mustard on it!
Grandfather Says and Thinks: This too will pass…hopefully sooner than later.
Books by Marc Kuhn: THE POPE’S STONE, an historical novel that follows two descendants of a Virginia family who, despite living a century apart, share uncanny similarities in their lives; NEVER GOOSE A MOOSE, a collection of whimsical verse featuring thought-provoking “never-do’s” that children should beware of; and ABOUT A FARM, a children’s book about challenges we all face every day, regardless of where we live. All three books are available at amazon.com and each has its own .com website under its title.
Intimate details about Marc Kuhn and other exhilarating stuff at marckuhn.com
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