First, this announcement: My one book, THE POPE’S STONE, is the subject of a review “tour” all this week. Various book reviewers will be posting a review of my book on their blogs and elsewhere. Featured is a special prize giveaway (pictured right). You are eligible to win one of four prize packages consisting of a signed copy of the book and a personal journal. All the links for the tour are at the end of the first review which you can link to as follows:
Okay, now here’s today’s blog… Another Blog I Shouldn’t Post!
Disclaimer: The following blog is SATIRE. It is not meant to be taken seriously. Furthermore, it has no intention of presenting or soliciting debate on the topic of gun control and it will not respond to such. Okay? Got that? Good!
Like many, I often fantasize about going back in time. You know, you pick some random age you’d like to revisit and start all over again. Of course, some things may have changed so events will be different from what you remember. The other day I was daydreaming I was a young father again and it was a typical hectic morning getting up for work and getting the kids off to school. In today’s society, I think the scene would be something like this…
“Now, where’s your sister? Oh, there you are, Sally. Did you finish your homework last night?
“Yes Daddy. Wanna see the essay I wrote?”
“Sure. Here, let me see it. Oh wow, great title—What I Did on Summer Vacation At Assault Rifle Camp—very targeted and to the point. You go get dressed while I read it. And, please, I know it’s hot, but make sure you wear your new Princess Protector vest. I wouldn’t want my little royal highness going to school without protection. Oh, that reminds me, don’t forget to take your birth control pill. You never know when you’re going to run into a pedophile.”
“Ah, now let’s see. Where the hell are my combat boots? Ummmm, something smells good. Susan must be cooking something great for breakfast.”
“Hi Dear, what smells so good?
“Good morning dear. Waffles! Oh hey, is that a gun you’re packin’ or are you just happy to see me?”
“Oh, that’s just the .45. Got a staff meeting today and, well, you never know.”
“That reminds me, did you clean Johnny’s gun?”
“Yes, I saw it. Looks nice. They painted it the same color as the house—black–so you can’t see it at night. It has razor wire on the top and neon “Welcome Burglars” signs on each side. Cool, huh?”
“Now maybe they’ll keep those three pit bulls inside at night. Boy, they made a lot of noise barking all the time. Plus, remember when that young mother was walking by with her baby carriage. Not a pretty site.”
“Yeah, razor wire is a much better idea.”
“Did you see where the Johnson house finally sold down the street? A registered sex offender bought it.
Oh oh. I guess Mrs. Samson will be calling a Neighborhood Watch meeting about that. I’ll suggest this time we use a weapon of one-destruction. Too many people got lung disease last time.”
“Yes mom” I put it in that new ankle holster we got at Wal-Mart.
“And I have mine too, but it’s not fair. Why does Johnny always get to take the .38? Everybody laughs at me when I walk in with this dinky .22.”
“Now, now, let’s not argue. Don’t forget you have that nice Barbie Crossbow in your backpack. Not too many other girls have that.”
“Okay Children, off you go. Make sure you zigzag as you run to the bus so you don’t get hit. Use the trees and the trashcans and don’t forget to check out the bus driver before you get on. If it’s grumpy old Miss Katherine with the switchblade it’s okay. But if it’s that weird look’n guy with the rainbow lunch pail under the his seat, give me a yell. I need to check him out.”
“Have a nice day kids. Listen to the teachers, especially if they yell ‘duck!’”
“Well honey, I guess I’m off too. Traffic will be heavier than usual this morning. It’s the first day of hunting season and I know lots of guys will be out wanting to bag their first big one.”
“Oh, please try not to drive through all those puddles of road kill. I need the tank tonight for missile training with the girls and it’s so embarrassing to show up with stained treads.”
“Okay, I’ll try. Have a nice day, Honey. And if you go to the supermarket, pick me up some more ammo please. And don’t buy that store brand. That stuff just goes every which way.”
“I know, Dear. We’ll manage somehow, not to worry…unless, of course, I don’t make it out of the Post Office this afternoon.”
“Oh, do you have to go there today?”
“Yep, I have to get this new emergency push button gadget mailed to Mother. We don’t’ want her going through the same thing all over again.”
“Did you get her the one in that television commercial where the old lady is lying in a pool of blood and she says, ‘I’ve been shot and I can’t get up?’”
“Yep, and a free set of knives came with it. She’ll love it, I’m sure. Well, bye sweetie.”
“Bye Honey, have a nice day.”
Marc Kuhn is the author of three books. Recently published is an adult historical novel, THE POPE’S STONE. The other two books are for children: NEVER GOOSE A MOOSE…And a bunch of other things you should never do!; and ABOUT A FARM, lessons for life regardless of where you live.
All three books are available at amazon.com and each has its own .com website under its title.