I read recently that the disaster industry has had a very good year. These are the guys who build you a bunker in which to survive for a bunch of years in the event of total annihilation of life on earth as we know it. Besides shelters, included in this industry are all the suppliers of survival gear, goods and food.
If you have enough money you can outfit a bunker built in your backyard that will withstand atomic bombs, alien attack, floods, fire and good old weapons of mass destruction. Inside you can stock the shelves with all kinds of things like gas masks, special clothing for freezing temperatures, scuba stuff in the event the earth is covered with water and a boatload of freeze-dried food products in case you calm down and actually feel like eating.
Believe it or not, one survival company is building an ark for one of its clients. It has not disclosed whether or not passengers would consist of two of every species or if there’d be a 24/7 buffet or a casino and theater.
All this got me to wondering what I would include on my “absolutely-must-have” disaster list. These would be things that I could not live without if I had to sequester myself in a concrete box for who-knows-how-long.
The first thing that came to mind was to take my computer so I could continue this blog—wouldn’t want to let my followers down. But then, I figured if the world was just about gone so too would be the internet and all its infrastructure. But I think I would still take my computer loaded up with all kinds of programs and games and useful stuff like Rosetta Stone’s latest collection of alien languages. Gee, I wish I had taken Jupiterese in college.
Next on the list of high priorities would be ice cream. I don’t need any other food as long as I have ice cream. I know this is not the healthiest food I could stock in my shelter, but if the world took a major hit I don’t think I’d be too concerned about eating too much ice cream. If I had to, I suppose I could narrow down the flavors. I’d need lots of Chunky Monkey, a good supply of chocolate and mint chocolate chip, some mocha java with dark chocolate chunks would be nice and maybe some good old French vanilla with hot fudge. Yep, ice cream is a top priority. It would certainly help ease the pain and suffering.
Okay, that takes care of the most important things; now, what’s next? I suppose I’ll need some band-aids and maybe a basic first aid kit. I’m a bit of a klutz. My mother used to say I could walk into an empty room and trip over the floor. I rarely fix or repair anything around the house without cutting myself. It’s an accepted part of the process. So, a supply of band-aids would be appropriate since I may be called upon to fix anything that came apart unexpectedly. It couldn’t be anything major. I can’t fix major things—have to call in a major expert for those. I wonder if there would be any major fix-it guys in the other shelters who might be available?
I don’t need much in clothing, unless it was to get cold. My day-to-day uniform consists of shorts, a T-shirt and sandals. I live in South Florida so I don’t need to wear much more than that. But I cannot stand the cold, so I’d probably pack a sweatshirt or two and a long pair of jeans. I might need socks, too; my feet get cold easily and they don’t like to be around each other when they do. I won’t have to walk far for anything in the shelter so I won’t need shoes. Shoes just aren’t natural. Do you know any animal that wears shoes? Horses maybe, or are horseshoes just for luck?
I guess I won’t need a radio or television. No one will be broadcasting anything. I’ll make sure I have my iPod and I’ll tell my wife to bring her iPad with lots of games and stuff. I should pack the portable DVD player too and a box of movies. I’ll leave the disaster movies behind. I have a few board games, too, and I should load up my Nook with a few hundred books.
I suppose I would need some real survival stuff in my shelter. After all, that’s what it’s all about. So I’d stock up on lots of survival gear, especially if I am forced to leave the shelter and expose myself to the outer elements, whatever they will have become by that time. Some rope would be nice and maybe a hatchet. I always see boy scouts with hatchets. An inflatable boat with a little outboard motor would be a good idea. A pair of water skis, too, I guess, and maybe one of those oversized inflatable donuts to ride the waves with. You know what they say about disasters…all survival and no fun makes a last person on earth pretty dull. If I’m going out, I don’t want to go out dull.
I would probably needs lots and lots of batteries and flashlights. I’d have to remember to take my camera, too. I’ll bet there will be a lot of interesting shots of nothing. I’d save these and show them to the guys back home. Oh, just thought, back home may not be there anymore and the guys…well. I’ll still take some pictures if just for me. I like having them so I can relive my travels. And, if National Geographic starts up again, they might be interested in seeing what I got.
Holy cow, I almost forgot. I’d have to have a good supply of dark chocolate. How can you survive without dark chocolate for God’s sake! Maybe even some of that dark chocolate almond bark. I realize dark chocolate would be a bit of a luxury, given the circumstances of it being the end of the world and all. But not having any dark chocolate would be the same as the end of the world anyway, wouldn’t it?
I almost forgot my wife. Yep, have to make room for her, too. She’s not much trouble. Give her Angry Birds or Temple Run and she’ll sit quietly for days. Plus, I’ll make sure I pack that vibrator thingy she has. No No No, don’t go there. It’s not what you’re thinking. My wife loves to have her back massaged. She has this little machine with bumps on the end that pulsate. She loves a good back rub and when I rub her back with this little machine it makes her voice vibrate and she tttalks llllikes ttthis. Still got your mind in the gutter, don’t you?
I think that about does it. I can’t think of anything else critical. If you have any ideas, leave them in the comments section below. Meanwhile, I just hope when I crawl out of my bunker I’m not expected to start rebuilding the world. I’m not sure I could handle that at my age. Last time it took me six days just to get the basics done.
Marc Kuhn is the author of three books. Recently published is an adult historical novel, THE POPE’S STONE. The other two books are for children: NEVER GOOSE A MOOSE…And a bunch of other things you should never do!; and ABOUT A FARM, lessons for life regardless of where you live.
All three books are available at amazon.com and each has its own .com website under its title.