Well, now that I have been blogging for a few months, it’s time you get to know my other side. I suspect some of my followers may drop off after this edition. But what the hell, it’s only a matter of time before some of the weird stuff in my brain escapes onto this page. If the concept doesn’t get you, the puns will.
I got to thinking the other day, as I was pushing my cart up and down the aisles at the grocery store, wouldn’t it be great if there was a body supermarket? You could go there and find a complete supply of things for the body. What an idea! Really, think about it. No no no, I don’t think you are thinking the same way I am thinking. I’ll have to show you. So hey, grab a shopping cart and buckle up. We’re goin’ in Sparky…
I noticed the minute I walked into the Body Supermarket, there was a large colorful display by the front door. They were having a big sale on heads. If you bought one, you got a second one free. The sign said, “Two Heads are Better Than One!” I agreed and I almost put two in my cart, but then I got to wondering where I could store them. Even with being given a head’s up, I don’t really need another one on my shoulders right now. Perhaps I could put them in jars. The U.S. Marines do that. That’s why they’re called jarheads. Maybe I’ll pass on getting a head this week. I don’t need to be quite so headstrong right now.
Up on aisle two was a big hand display. I can always use an extra hand. I shook quite a few, then finally selected one that was tight-fisted. It just grabbed me the right way. I put it in the cart even though it indicated it preferred going into my pocket, but somebody always has a hand in my pocket so I insisted it stay in the cart. BTW, the hand I got had really nice fingers. The one in the middle stood up by itself nice and straight.
At the end of the aisle there was a large collection of thoughts. If you bought a thought today you’d get two conclusions tossed in for free. I thought that was a thoughtful offer, but then I had second thoughts. I’m not one for impulse buying, plus I felt I didn’t need anybody giving me ideas.
The store offered free lip service today. You could have a private session if you wanted. In that case, the lips were sealed. I felt this smacked of insincerity since anybody can give you lip…and they often do. So I kissed off that deal.
Midway down aisle three there was a nice glass showcase with previously-socketed eyes. You had to lift the lids to see what color you were getting. Some came with a view. I was just about to select a pair when I saw the price. I was blindsided. I am glad I didn’t buy any. In hindsight, I’m sure my wife would have brow beaten me for spending so much money just on eye candy.
Next to the eyes were ears, and down the aisle a little further were noses and throats. I heard a buzz around the ear display. It seems there were plenty of female ears, not so many male ears. The sign read, “Countrymen, Lend us Your Ears.” Why would you lend them an ear? There’s no telling who would be using it and maybe you wouldn’t get it back either. Have you ever heard of such thing…it’s almost eerie.
Noses, on the other hand, looked to be a very good deal—nothing to sniff at. And, if you wanted, you could get them stuffed. Others came packaged in various combo deals with all kinds of products. One set came with discount coupons for airline tickets in the event you had a nose for travel. Some of the bigger noses came with these cool spy kits, assuming you were prone to be nosey. Still others came with air fresheners or a box of tissues…the latter was labeled a blow-out sale.
I found that necks are very expensive this time of year. You’d pay a stiff price for a good one. I did notice some stuck out and others had cricks in them. They all came with a universal head mount. I thought they should move the necks out front next to the heads that were on sale by the front door. That would have made the dual display shoulders above all the others.
There’s a limited supply of arms this week. They’re sold by length and if you bought a matched set of one left and one right, they’d give you a hand with each. The arms were all tangled up from shoppers rummaging through them. You had to wrestle one to free it up from the others. I held a few at arm’s length. Since I’m not one to bear arms, I tried to picture them in a nice white oxford shirt or a colorful sweater. I decided to pass. It was too risky a buy and I didn’t want to go out on a limb.
Down on aisle six, breasts were bountiful. There were many racks. Oddly enough, there was great interest in them among the male customers in the store. Of course they were all ignoring the sign that said, “Please Don’t Squeeze the Breasts.” The ones on the bottom appeared flat. If you bought a pair, for a dollar more you could get cleavage. They came packaged in a pushup bra.
Stomachs had a huge surrounding. They were having all kinds of specials, depending on what kind you chose. If you bought a potbelly you got a free 2-quart pot. A beer gut came with a six pack which I thought was a bit of a hard sell. The stomach selection really was not as good as I’ve seen in other stores. There was an awful lot of waste, plus you had to wait in a second line at the sundries counter in order to get a belly button.
The adult section—you know, the one in the back corner with the dark curtain entrance—well, they must have had some good buys, too. I didn’t want to go in there lest one of my neighbors would see me and think less of my character. Of course, I could have gotten a new character on aisle four. They had all kinds this week, including mysterious, leading, odd, cartoon and charismatic. But, getting back to the adult section, as I said, I did not go in, but I did see a lot of men coming out with what appeared to be a sack of balls. They said if you bought two, you got a deeper voice for free. The ladies coming out, however, seemed to indicate they had no interest in anything period.
Meanwhile, over on the discontinued table, you could get a decent pair of legs. Of course, some had been around the block a few times. If you got feet to go with them, well, you’d have to get used to the idea of walking in someone else’s shoes. You could buy the feet alone. There was a huge pile of them, so you’d have to do some soul searching to find the good ones. But if you found the right combination you’d have a leg up on everyone else as long as you could afford to foot the deal.
The joints were jumping. Elbows looked pretty nice, except some were bent and others looked like they had been leaned on. Shoulders came with burdens, depending on the current weight of the world. Knees had been recycled, but for every one you purchased the store would donate one to a kneedy charity.
There were some really good buys in the guts bin. Intestines were all over the place and were sold by the yard. Some came with fortitude. Others were less expensive. They were labeled “weak” or “cramped.” The woman next to me was calling her husband on her cell phone. She told me he wasn’t very gutsy but for this deal he’d probably run right over, maybe even give an arm and a leg to get it.
I noticed that hearts looked especially large this week. I fell in love with one that seemed really nice. Indeed, it began pumping the minute I picked it up. But it was awfully expensive and I figured it would probably not be very giving. More than likely it was one that would take heart. Then too, if I showed up at work with a larger heart people would think I was being vein.
So there you have it, a trip to the Body Supermarket. I don’t know about you, but I got a few good bargains. None were any that I would go head over heels for, but I did manage to save a few dollars. I have to admit it is a bit daunting to go up and down the aisles and see all the body parts, knowing that some may have come from foreign sweat shops, so you have to choose carefully. But it is all so nicely packaged in crisp new cellophane and on Styrofoam trays. And, the store does a great job with the presentation, along with all the fancy sales catalogs and coupons. Damn, that reminds me–I forgot I had a coupon for a dollar off a package of moles and birthmarks.
Anyway, you should check out the Body Supermarket. It’s a testimony to how far we’ve come with contemporary merchandising. I, for one, do not go too often. I just don’t have the stomach for it. Maybe I should get a new one next time they’re on sale.
Marc Kuhn is the author of three books. Recently published is an adult historical novel, THE POPE’S STONE. The other two books are for children: NEVER GOOSE A MOOSE…And a bunch of other things you should never do!; and ABOUT A FARM, lessons for life regardless of where you live.
All three books are available at amazon.com and each has its own .com website under its title.