In the past, I have always developed an informal list of resolutions for the New Year. A lot of them have been the same many of you have probably set as goals for yourself: lose the gut, stop biting my nails, get more done, try to consume at least a few pints less of ice cream, stop kicking the little dog and throwing the cat across the room–stuff like that.
This year, I have decided I will have resolutions with focus. I need to decide on one area of my life and come up with a few suggestions on how I can make that area better. Experts always tell you to focus and you will be able to achieve more as a result. So, I chose my writing endeavors as good an area as any to focus on. Maybe you can use some of these same resolutions. Help yourself to my list, or pick and choose what you think is appropriate for you. No charge and good luck with those you adopt. Okay, here are my writer-focused resolutions for 2013:
First, I will no longer take personal the rejections I receive from agents and publishers. They really don’t mean to hurt my feelings and make me feel totally inadequate and superficial. However, I will continue to refer to them as “those bastards!”
I will stop cursing at Microsoft Word for not leaving well enough alone. I know that the program was a lot more functional and less confusing four or five versions ago, but who am I to second guess Bill Gates and his geeky successors, you bastards!
Here’s one for all those telemarketers who call to sell me something just as I am right in the middle of finally resolving how to fix a terribly written paragraph. Of course, you do not really mean to interrupt me at such a critical moment. You are only doing your job and in this day of high unemployment I should be more tolerant. In 2013, I resolve that I will no longer curse at you at the top of my lungs and slam the phone down and then throw it across the room. I will accept that it is okay that I lost my total train of thought as a result of your call. I will simply begin anew. But don’t ever, ever call me after that, you bastards!
I resolve in 2013 to be more respectful of the economics of self-publishing. I will make a real effort to refrain from dropping the f-bomb upon hearing the fee that editors and proofers want in exchange for reading my manuscripts and pooping red all over them. I will simply buy more toilet paper. After all, you guys have paid your dues and earned the right to now extract every little molecule of self-respect from us wannabe writers, you bastards!
Next, I will stop making a scene at Barnes and Noble when I am in the children’s section checking out the latest best-sellers and screaming, “My book is better than this!” I realize I scare the little ones around me who are quietly ripping the pages out of some books and drooling goo onto others. Funny, I feel like doing the same thing to many of these books, too. But I will stop these hostile tendencies I exhibit toward these fine authors of professionally published children’s books. Instead, I will accept such feelings as an example of the true jealousy I have of these bastards.
As for the one adult novel that I wrote and published in 2012 (THE POPE’S STONE), I resolve that I will not give up on this first-attempt. While I surprised myself that I could actually write an entire novel, I have to admit it was a proud moment when the book arrived on my doorstep. It’s an historical novel with an intriguing plot. Even though it will rank high on this year’s least seller list, I will still take proud ownership of that. As for those who did not wish to even give it a try, you’ll get another chance when I publish my second novel later in 2013, you bastards.
And my final writer’s resolution for 2013…
I will cease beating myself up trying to figure out what the hell it is that I am doing wrong with my marketing. I know it is perfectly normal that no one—did you hear that? NO ONE—has bought even one stinking copy of one of my books. I acknowledge that all those I have tweeted, facebooked, blogged, advertised to and otherwise attempted to contact in an effort to draw attention to my amazon offerings, must have somehow learned that none of my work is worth even the $.99 not-for-profit rate I have set for an e-version of my efforts. I purposely wrote that last sentence extra long to add credibility to your belief that my writing sucks, you bastards. (Whew, glad I got that one off my chest!)
Yep, now I am focused…Wow, 2013 is going to be a great year!
Marc Kuhn is the author of three books. Recently published is an adult historical novel, THE POPE’S STONE. The other two books are for children: NEVER GOOSE A MOOSE…And a bunch of other things you should never do!; and ABOUT A FARM, lessons for life regardless of where you live.
All three books are available at amazon.com and each has its own .com website under its title.